The Knight of Flame and Bone

And so the Knight set forth. He -

“The Knight of Flame and Bone.”

I beg your pardon?

“The Knight of Flame and Bone. It's my full title.”

It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it? This is just the start of the story, there'll be plenty of time to get into that. We don't want to overwork the reader just yet, do we? Let's ease them into it.

“But how will they know I'm the Knight of Flame and Bone if you don't tell them?”

You can introduce yourself to someone later.

“Like who? It's just me here.”

Well, I don't know yet. We haven't got that far.

“Well, hurry up then.”

Right. As I was saying, the Knight set -

“Flame and Bone. Remember the title.”

Look, what kind of armour do you wear, hmmm?

“Oh, you know. Knightly stuff.”

Lots of metal plates? Steel or something like?

“Well, yes.”

No bones?

“That wouldn't make very good armour, now would it? Give me good, strong steel any day!”

No bones. Is your armour, or maybe your weapon or shield... are they decorated with bones? Or skulls? Even in motif?

“Ummm... nooooo...”

What about flames? Is there a particular flame motif? Is your armour the colour of fire? Is the blade of your sword orange, or edged with jagged waves like tongues of dancing flame? How about your shield? Any flames there?

“Um. No, no, no.... and no.”

So you are the Knight of Flame and Bone... but there are no visible flames or bones at all.

“I suppose not.”

You are, in fact, only a man in plate armour, riding on a horse. You do have a horse, I assume?

“Oh yes, of course! What kind of knight would I be without a horse?”

Indeed. So, to sum up, you are in fact indistinguishable from any other knight at all. Nobody would know just by looking at you that you are, in fact, the Knight of Flame and Bone. You look like any other ordinary, common or garden knight..

“Well, when you put it like that...”

Shall I continue, then?

“... Alright.”

Ahem. And so the Knight set forth. He -

“Why are you doing that, anyway?”

… Doing what?

“Starting the story like that. 'And so'? What do you mean, 'and so'? You're making it sound like you're carrying on from a previous event, but the story just started! There aren't any events yet!”

There won't be at this rate, either. Look, it's a literary device. Now, if you don't mind, I -

“And 'set forth'? What does that even mean? It sounds like there were three people having dinner and a friend popped round so they needed another place setting.”

It's not that kind of 'forth'. Setting forth means you begin a journey.

“Oh, I see. Why not just say that then?”

Because 'set forth' is more concise. This is a short story, after all. At least, it's supposed to be.

“I don't think I like your tone.”

Oh, really? And what are you going to do about it, hmmm? I'm not a character, you can't touch me.

“Well, I... I could refuse to do the story. You can't have a story without your main character, and that's me!”

That's beginning to sound very appealing...

“What was that?”

Oh, nothing... Are you quite finished? Can we go on?

“Well... If you like.”

Right. Let's see...

He sat proud upon his steed, and -

“That's not the beginning!”

What's your problem now?

“That's not how it begins! It should have that 'and so' and 'set forth' stuff.”

I've already said that twice now. It saves time if I just carry on where we left off.

“Ah. Gotcha. But what's with that steed business? I don't have a steed. I think I'd know if I did.”

It's your horse, you.... 'steed' means your horse.

“His name isn't Steed. It's Jacob.”

Jacob. Your horse's name is Jacob.

“That's right.”

Any particular reason? Usually a knight's horse has a grand name like Gallant or Maximus.

“You'd have to ask him, he chose it.”

He chose... no, never mind. I don't want to know.

“Is something wrong?”

Yes. You keep interrupting.

“Well, if you'd tell it right I wouldn't have to.”

Tell it right?! Look, who's the narrator here?

“Well, you...”

Have you ever done any narration?

“Well, no. Not professionally, anyways. I do have this funny story I tell around the campfires. It's about this turnip, see...”

SO, since you are not, in fact, the narrator, and you have never BEEN the narrator, don't you think you might want to leave the narrating to... oh, I don't know... the narrator? Hmm?

“... I suppose.”

Good. You just stick to your dialog. One more word out of you at the wrong time and you'll find yourself riding off a cliff.

“You can't do that!”

I'm the narrator, remember? What I say happens, happens.

“But I'm far too smart to just ride off a cliff!”

That is debatable.

“Oi! There's no call to be rude! And what about Jacob?”

What about Jacob?

“No horse is just going to run off a cliff. It's contrary to all survival instinct!”

Maybe you're being chased. Horses tend to panic easily in high stress situations, and you would be distracted... It could happen.

“Nice try! There are no chases in this story!”

There could be. Or perhaps you'd prefer to have an encounter with bees? That would probably do it. I wouldn't think that having bees crawling around inside your armour, stinging you, would be too nice. 

“Now you're just reaching.”

You know what? I've had enough of this.

On the far side of the world, two gods fought. Furiously they strove to overcome the other, pitting vast strength against vast strength. Such was the force of their battle that it shook the earth to its core, causing ruptures and volcanoes to occur across all the known lands. The shifting of the tortured earth tore at a previously undisturbed fault line, opening a chasm beneath the Knight of Flame and Bone. Down he fell, still astride his steed, Jacob, only to land in a river of molten rock spewing up from the deepest regions of the earth.

What do you think of that then?

“It's a bit unlikely, isn't it?”

A bit unl... you're up to your armpits in molten lava and all you can say is, 'a bit unlikely'?

“Well, yes.”

… Why aren't you burning in agony?

“I'm the Knight of Flame and Bone, remember? Fire doesn't bother me.”

But your armour must be melting, surely.

“Nope. Fire resistant. Would have to be, wouldn't it? Imagine I'm fighting a dragon and he breathes on me, right, all fiery like an inferno. I'd survive, but I'd be stark naked. I can't fight dragons naked!”

But you never said... You said your armour was ordinary steel!

“Well, it IS steel. It's just enchanted. You didn't ask if it was enchanted.”

I'd at least think you'd be a bit more worried about Jacob.

“Why? He's fine.”

He fell into lava!

“Yes? What's your point? He's a pyrostallion. He was born in a volcano. Lava doesn't bother him. He's having a nice swim.”

This is the first I've heard of it.

“You never asked.”

But still... a pyrostallion? That's the silliest thing yet.

“What else would a fireproof knight ride? Imagine I'm fighting a dragon and he breathes on me, right -”

Yes, yes, I get the idea. Well, I guess there's only one thing for it then. I'm leaving. Goodbye.

“Hey, wait! Where are you going?”

“Are you still there?”

“Hello?”

“Well, that's great. Just great. Now who's going to sign off my timesheet?”